The Big Green House

Monday, December 15, 2003

 

Under my wheels

We spent the weekend moving things from The Big Green House over to Science Manor. This entailed spending a lot of time in the car, driving from point A to point B and back. Far too much time, in fact. Oy.

As a public service, and to keep my spleen from climbing up my throat, reaching out the window and strangling the next pinhead who cuts me off in traffic, let me take this opportunity to pass on some driving tips to my fellow Seattle drivers:

1) That funny flipper-thing on the side of the steering column is actually called a "turn signal". It's used to alert other drivers when you are going to change lanes or make a turn. Hence the name. Please use it.
1a) The turn signal only works if you use it before making the turn. While I appreciate the thought, signaling as you're turning is pointless. Signaling after the turn is just insulting.
2) Let's review traffic lights for a moment. RED, of course, means "STOP". Most of you seem to have a handle on this one. YELLOW means "CAUTION, SLOW DOWN, THE LIGHT IS ABOUT TO CHANGE TO RED". Again, not much difficulty here. No, the problem light seems to be GREEN. GREEN means "GO". It does not mean "meditate on the beautiful scenery around you". It does not mean "inventory your glove box". And, for the love of all that is good and right and decent in this world, it very definitely does not mean "feel free to pick your nose". I just can't stress that last point enough.
3) Backing into oncoming traffic for three-quarters of a block on a very busy street? NOT A GOOD IDEA.
4) Oddly enough, stopping in the middle of an intersection to consult your map may cause aneurysms in drivers behind you. Much better to pull over to the side of the road, yes?
5) Driving a Suburban Death Vehicle does not make you immune to the laws of physics: two bodies (cars, in this case) cannot occupy the same space at the same time.
6) The speed limit on most streets in town is 25 mph; on arterials, it's usually 30-35. Most police officers will wink if you're within 5 mph of the limit. However, driving down any street at a steady 15 mph will surely reserve a very warm corner of Hell for you upon your death. Which, frankly, cannot come too soon.
6a) While we're on the subject of speed: freeway onramps are as long as they are so that you can get up to speed before you enter the flow of traffic. They are not actually surface streets. It's okay to go faster than 35. Really.
7) As much as it pains me to quote a bumper sticker, perhaps you would drive better with that cell phone up your ass.

Science Girl gets upset when I impugn the skills (or the lack thereof) of the average Seattle driver. She claims that the problem stems from too many vehicles on a street system that just wasn't designed for anything like the volume of traffic it now receives. While I certainly wouldn't dispute that as a factor in the overall shitty-ness of driving here, I think there's more to the picture. I don't know if it's poor Driver's Ed in the school system, or something in the water, or what. In all honesty, I have to say that the drivers here are the very worst I've ever encountered. They're just 100% oblivious to their surroundings. I'm no Speed Racer myself (nor his older brother Rex Racer, aka Racer X, for that matter), but driving here is pushing my blood pressure off the scale.

bmarkey 12/15/2003 07:30:00 PM