The Big Green House

Wednesday, March 12, 2003

 

Up, not over

I am something of a purist when it comes to food and beverages. Don�t get me wrong � I�m all for experimentation, because without it we stagnate. What bothers me is the misappropriation of an otherwise honorable name for an execrable excuse for refreshment.

I�m talking about the venerable martini, of course. It has come to my attention, via email from the always urbane (and apparently freshly-coiffed) cowboy_sally, and now this post by jonmc, that there are some people out there running around loose in the world who believe, god help us, that a martini should taste like a Jolly Rancher. This, more than anything else, tells me that our civilization is about to topple over and burst into flames. Call it whatever you want, but unless there�s gin and vermouth in that glass it ain�t a martini. Heed well my words and you shall surely prosper - if you don�t like the taste of booze, you probably shouldn�t be drinking it. Hard liquor tastes the way it does so that you don�t drink yourself into a coma. Do yourself a favor: order a Zima and leave the adult beverages for those who can appreciate them.

And now, in a (probably vain) attempt to prop up what�s left of American culture, I give you:

How to build a martini in the privacy of your own home: a guide for those without access to a competent bartender.

It�s easy, fun, and (almost) guaranteed to impress members of whichever gender you fancy.

You will need the following:
Gin: I prefer Bombay, but Tanqueray will do the job. Do not buy cheap-o gin unless you really hate your liver and want to show it who�s boss.
Dry Vermouth: DRY is key. Save the sweet stuff for manhattans. Better yet, just leave it at the store. As far as brands go, I�ve always used Martini & Rossi, so I don�t have anything to compare it to.
Lemon peel: Olives belong on the hors d'oeuvres tray and not in your glass. If you absolutely must succumb to stereotype, keep it to one olive per drink.
Ice: Cubed, not crushed. We�re not making slurpees.

As far as equipment goes, there�s room for improvisation. Don�t feel like you�ve got to run out and buy a lot of fancy-schmancy barware (unless you�re looking for a excuse to do so, in which case go nuts). My advice is to save your money for quality hooch. Anyway, you�ll need:
Martini glasses: I got mine at Cost Plus for cheap, but in a pinch you can make do with a wine glass. The stem is what�s important � it allows you to hold the glass without transferring heat from your hand to your drink.
A pint glass in which to mix the goodies: You can use a shaker, of course (more on which later), but not everybody has one lying around the house. If you don�t have a pint glass� why not? Er, I mean, a tall water tumbler would probably work.
Cocktail strainer: would be handy, but I�ve always been able to keep the ice in its proper place with a spoon.

OK, let�s get to work.

Put the bottle of gin into your freezer, along with the martini glasses and the pint glass. Overnight would be best, but it will need to chill for a minimum of two hours. (The vermouth can go in the fridge.) Rent The Thin Man to watch for inspiration while the gin is chilling.

Is everything chilled properly? Good. Cut a strip of lemon peel and set it aside. Remove the glassware from the freezer. Twist the lemon peel inside the martini glass, rub the rim of the glass with the peel, and deposit the spent peel at the bottom of your glass. (Each drink should get its own peel.)

Remove the cap from the vermouth bottle; pour in just enough vermouth to cover the bottom of the cap. Now pour that into the pint glass and swirl it around until most of the inside of that glass is covered. Pour out any excess � too much vermouth is the downfall of a good martini. Fill the pint glass with ice. Gently pour the gin down the side of the pint glass. You�ll want approximately one ounce per drink, but I always eyeball it myself. (Don�t make any more than what you�re going to drink right away. Those pitchers of martinis Samantha made for Darren on Bewitched sure looked good, but unless they were drinking like fiends (and hey, it was the early Sixties � booze culture was at its peak, so they just might have been) that pitcher warmed up before they got to the bottom of it. Heat + martini = bad news.)

Again, gently stir the contents of the pint glass. DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, SHAKE A MARTINI. NEVER. JUST DON�T DO IT. James Bond may have been a super-spy, but a shaken vodka �martini� might as well be a glass of bat�s piss.

Strain your martini into the glass and enjoy. You�ll thank me when you sober up.

Edit: It occurred to me this morning that someone might misinterpret this as a dis of jonmc. That would be incorrect; I'm dissing the people that think that there are 150 kinds of martinis.

bmarkey 3/12/2003 09:11:00 PM